Just find myself needing a little mood music.
From the sense of understanding that I've gained following my interesting ordeal this past weekend, I think this song is appropriate. Plus, I'm really on that Frank Ocean right now!
Frank Ocean --- We All Try
I know that everybody's not perfect. We're all capable of doing fucked up things that intentionally, or inadvertently, hurt peoples feelings, rub them the wrong way, or change their perceptions of us.
But as long as we try for something good.
Everything else works itself out.
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
Monday, June 6, 2011
Realizing I'm Different At 30
Had an adventurous weekend.
A female friend I've been spending some time with invited me to a house party. The home of artistic individuals in the middle of a very nice neighborhood in the great state of Maryland. The house had an awesome vibe from the second we stepped inside. So, yes, great ambiance + great atmosphere + great minds = a great time. Plus a great deal of alcohol.
Apparently, my tolerance isn't what it used to be. So eventually, my head is spinning and I'm searching for the first place to pass out. The hosts are such gracious people that they allow us to crash. And crash I do, indeed.
Fast forward to the next morning. I awaken to voices. One of them I recognize immediately. But what's she doing in there? Laughter. Other noises. My mind begins working. I like to observe, so I decide to let the situation play out. Hell, I even went to smoke a cigarette.
Upon returning into the house, one of the home owners comes from the room where I heard the voices. She's dressed like I imagine most people who just awoke in there own home early on a Sunday morning would be dressed. Not a lot of clothing, but not completely naked. I do remember noticing two things: she has an awesome tattoo (but after all, she's an artist), and she's surprisingly more curvaceous than I had realized the night before. Oh well, no big deal.
But the irritating thing is that she's a bit evasive. No eye contact. Quickly does what she needs to in the room I'm in, and then goes back towards her bedroom. (The reason I know it's the bedroom is because when I first awoke, the door was open, and I could see a bed. This was before the voices registered, and I took a trip to the bathroom. The funniest part was, following one of my cigarette breaks, the door is suddenly closed. Why?)
After she returns to the closed bedroom, the voices commence again. There is laughter, including the laugh of the voice I am now certain I recognize. Doesn't bother me. I'm just assuming that Lady of the House would tell Woman Who I Came There With that I'm awake, and we can roll out, and that'll be that.
But apparently awkward shit has to exponentially get more awkward. There's no move. Just more laughing, then what sounds like some overly amplified moaning. So at this point, I'm ticked off. I go outside to the back porch. Secure another cigarette, and think.
Why the fuck am I the least bit concerned?
I was going to entitle this one "What To Do if the Woman You're Spending Time with has a Threesome with a Couple, while You're Passed Out on Their Couch."
But that felt kind of wordy.
Plus, it's probably in the category of way too much information.
So without going into anymore embarrassing details, let's just say I've been having some interesting issues lately. Call it change in scenery syndrome or maybe just the erratic part of my so called life, but things like this just happen to me. Okay, maybe I encourage them a little, by choosing the types of people I choose to interact with. All great people, in their own way, granted they have their issues, but they are rarely dull, if ever. I really do believe I purposely tend to be the most boring person I associate with. But anyway...this is supposed to have a point.
I've changed in my approach to how I deal with these crazy situations. Hopefully that's a sign that I've grown wiser in my decision making. Ten years ago, I would have reacted to such an incident with a bit of malice, with intentions of causing pain, probably emotional and psychological (I'm not the violent type). I would have played a game. And eventually I would have won. But that was a long time ago. Back then, I was 20, sensitive, and a bit of an asshole. Now, I'm less sensitive and actively try not to be an asshole. Most days I'm successful.
More importantly, I realize that people can only be who they choose to be, and expecting more or less from them is really a waste of energy and time. I can't be mad at the Woman Who Came To the Party With Me (well, she did some coming of her own, as well). She was only being herself. I have to decide if I value her enough to continue spending time with her. I've pretty much already done that. So, with that being said, I found a way to get over the situation quickly. In fact, it seems a bit funny now. Usually I'm so unaffected by things. This got to me for a moment. But at 30, I've decided to respond maturely. Ten years ago, that would not have been the case at all.
Let's hope that ten years from now, shit like this won't even be happening.
A female friend I've been spending some time with invited me to a house party. The home of artistic individuals in the middle of a very nice neighborhood in the great state of Maryland. The house had an awesome vibe from the second we stepped inside. So, yes, great ambiance + great atmosphere + great minds = a great time. Plus a great deal of alcohol.
Apparently, my tolerance isn't what it used to be. So eventually, my head is spinning and I'm searching for the first place to pass out. The hosts are such gracious people that they allow us to crash. And crash I do, indeed.
Fast forward to the next morning. I awaken to voices. One of them I recognize immediately. But what's she doing in there? Laughter. Other noises. My mind begins working. I like to observe, so I decide to let the situation play out. Hell, I even went to smoke a cigarette.
Upon returning into the house, one of the home owners comes from the room where I heard the voices. She's dressed like I imagine most people who just awoke in there own home early on a Sunday morning would be dressed. Not a lot of clothing, but not completely naked. I do remember noticing two things: she has an awesome tattoo (but after all, she's an artist), and she's surprisingly more curvaceous than I had realized the night before. Oh well, no big deal.
But the irritating thing is that she's a bit evasive. No eye contact. Quickly does what she needs to in the room I'm in, and then goes back towards her bedroom. (The reason I know it's the bedroom is because when I first awoke, the door was open, and I could see a bed. This was before the voices registered, and I took a trip to the bathroom. The funniest part was, following one of my cigarette breaks, the door is suddenly closed. Why?)
After she returns to the closed bedroom, the voices commence again. There is laughter, including the laugh of the voice I am now certain I recognize. Doesn't bother me. I'm just assuming that Lady of the House would tell Woman Who I Came There With that I'm awake, and we can roll out, and that'll be that.
But apparently awkward shit has to exponentially get more awkward. There's no move. Just more laughing, then what sounds like some overly amplified moaning. So at this point, I'm ticked off. I go outside to the back porch. Secure another cigarette, and think.
Why the fuck am I the least bit concerned?
Cause apparently while I was passed out, something like the above went on, and I wasn't invited?
I got over threesomes when I was young and naive. Now they seem like more work. Sure, they can be exciting, but after a while, the thrill wears off. So that wasn't it. But something was there that had me discombobulated. Something had me a tad jealous. And then it hit me.
Apparently I had a different perception of the female I was spending time with. Perhaps I cared for her a bit more than I realized. She seemed like she could have been special. So much for that fucking idea.
I was going to entitle this one "What To Do if the Woman You're Spending Time with has a Threesome with a Couple, while You're Passed Out on Their Couch."
But that felt kind of wordy.
Plus, it's probably in the category of way too much information.
So without going into anymore embarrassing details, let's just say I've been having some interesting issues lately. Call it change in scenery syndrome or maybe just the erratic part of my so called life, but things like this just happen to me. Okay, maybe I encourage them a little, by choosing the types of people I choose to interact with. All great people, in their own way, granted they have their issues, but they are rarely dull, if ever. I really do believe I purposely tend to be the most boring person I associate with. But anyway...this is supposed to have a point.
I've changed in my approach to how I deal with these crazy situations. Hopefully that's a sign that I've grown wiser in my decision making. Ten years ago, I would have reacted to such an incident with a bit of malice, with intentions of causing pain, probably emotional and psychological (I'm not the violent type). I would have played a game. And eventually I would have won. But that was a long time ago. Back then, I was 20, sensitive, and a bit of an asshole. Now, I'm less sensitive and actively try not to be an asshole. Most days I'm successful.
More importantly, I realize that people can only be who they choose to be, and expecting more or less from them is really a waste of energy and time. I can't be mad at the Woman Who Came To the Party With Me (well, she did some coming of her own, as well). She was only being herself. I have to decide if I value her enough to continue spending time with her. I've pretty much already done that. So, with that being said, I found a way to get over the situation quickly. In fact, it seems a bit funny now. Usually I'm so unaffected by things. This got to me for a moment. But at 30, I've decided to respond maturely. Ten years ago, that would not have been the case at all.
Let's hope that ten years from now, shit like this won't even be happening.
The Occasional Crazy Rare Quote # 10
Sad. Nothing more than sad. Let's not call it a tragedy; a broken heart is never a tragedy. Only untimely death is a tragedy.--- Angela Carter
Amen to that.
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
Saturday, June 4, 2011
Friday, June 3, 2011
Novacane
Novacane
I just want you to numb me
it’s not in the clench of moist slits
or from the tricks of lips
that you will come to find me, surrendered
I will raise white flag with a knowing grin
when you unfurl the impurities of
your whole soul, and
center them next to my own
render me
unable to notice anything but you,
splinter my attention with
the way you stand,
demand of me, with your eyes
to always see your beautiful
when it is drawn before me
baby, I just want you to numb me
and while the most intense kisses
lower my defenses,
an intoxicating spirit makes them unnecessary,
I become weightless, waiting
for you to expose
those scintillating eccentricities
at your disposal
show me everything you
have to offer,
far beyond the traces of
tongue against spine,
rub the moistened tendrils of
your intellect
against the most guarded points
of my mind,
let’s go beyond fucking,
truncate the space between
being the woman who
physically turns me on
and the one all parts of me
dream about touching,
mind,
body,
heart,
soul
become the drug
that no amount of treatment
controls,
roll your strength
like the others only manage to roll hips,
dip me in your confidence
until my own starts to drip
along the meetings of your sensibility and charm,
flanking me like the most inviting thighs
my fingers mean them no harm,
but I just
have to put hands to that well sculpted pizzazz,
you have a delectable flair about you
and I lose composure fast,
when in your presence,
imbibe this devotion that you have me leaking,
because once you have me thinking
I’m all yours
and I just want you to numb me
don’t merely lick me or stroke me
I’ve been there before,
all those intoxicating positions that
make the heart quicken,
toes start to curl, and knees become
weakened hinges,
but there are more delightful places
I am trying to explore
I want to feel you so much
you are second skin,
your essence syncs with the beats of my heart,
and I can no longer pretend,
make my biggest smiles
solution to an equation
where your presence has to factor in,
make the stars in the sky seem
dull in comparison to the
light that I hold you in,
make every lick, and kiss,
and taste and stoke
feel limited in their provided intensity,
when compared to
the shivers I got from your name,
the first time you
spoke it to me
numb me, from everything else
numb me, from worry, wishing, or want
become catalyst to all those days
that feel good, and a shield
against the ones that don’t
baby, I just want you
to numb me
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