"....you were a crappy husband. but you are a good person."
For those of you who are House fans, you realize that these were words spoken to Dr. Chris Taub, an adulterous surgeon currently preparing for a divorce from his wife Rachel.
I can't help but feel that I can relate to him. But not in the adultery category. Although I have cheated in the past, a fact that I am certainly not proud of, I have never been married. This doesn't excuse cheating, because commitment is supposed to be commitment, whether you 'put a ring on it' or not. But my ability to relate to this character has nothing to do with infidelity. It's about selfishness.
I realize that I want all of the trappings of love, without giving myself completely. Maybe 85%, maybe even 90, but never completely. I literally keep one foot over the threshold of the figurative door to the respective woman's heart. In case I have to run. Which is often. And yet, I find myself still wanting her to want me. To need me. To allow me to please her and equally please me. To act as if she can separate being my lover with being in love with me, in case I need to make a clean break. Reading this aloud to myself, it sounds stupider than just about anything I can think of and yet, it is often where I've found myself in relationships. Urging her to stay, while looking for any sign to leave. This is the part of me that must change.
Step one is perhaps the most difficult. Setting up the 'No Vacancy' sign, and doing the solo thing for a while. Most people are probably laughing and stating how easy it is to be alone. But for me, who has bounced from one serious relationship to the next since I was about 19, the very idea seems to start killing something in me.
Blue Cafe, Derrick WIlliams
Call it a cafe with permanent blues, and I'm the headlining act. I guess this feeling should be appropriate. Especially since I feel like I've caused more emotional damage than that guy who used to play Screech. But being alone creates within me a similar feeling, nearly as bad as witnessing all of the heartbreak I have caused. And while it helps, saying none of this was intentional, I realize that the damage has already been done. I think of some of the women from my past. And how broken/affected they are. It makes me wonder why I don't feel that same what. What in the world is wrong with me?
Struggle, Derrick Williams
I'm in a one man battle, against myself. These types of fights usually take place when I'm alone. And they test everything that I am, all while challenging the very idea of the man I want to become. I keep wondering how much fight I have left in me. Maybe I should just surrender to being that husk of a person I keep turning myself into. Then, I can merely float from heart to heart, sampling, but knowing I'll never fully surrender.
Sounds like Shakespearean tragedy. And if there's anything we've learned from that it's this: The guy in love either kills himself, is murdered, goes crazy, or winds up stranded somewhere alone. Perhaps my mind already embraces a bit of this tragedy.
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
