On Seizures

This is probably something that my mind has been waiting for me to write for a long time.....

On Seizures

there was always this moment,

just before it happened,

when I knew that it was coming

but I couldn’t think to run,

a train, full speed, with a foot stuck

on the tracks,

picture disappearing, or

slowly coming undone

there was this taste

I imagine it is like tasting Death

that taste just hits the mouth but

doesn’t really have a flavor,

instead it feels like

time is unwinding,

tastes like darkness,

feels like

all hope is being

swallowed, and then

the first shudder comes

it starts in the mind,

doors closing, windows slammed shut,

cords being yanked from the wall

as if I know the power’s going

fuck!!!

brace yourself…

think of something….

hurry up!!!

fuck!!!

think of anything….

think of something else….

and just as suddenly as I notice

that I’m arguing with myself, in my head

there is another shudder,

heart steady pumping, until

the mind becomes

a black hole

I wish I could recall what the shaking really feels like

what the pain really is, as my muscles would spasm

beyond my control,

but I was too far gone to feel them

and only reminded of the pain

from the occasional cut or bruise

I can’t really picture Death,

but I’ve been to nowhere,

that empty slab of nothing when

body is suddenly cut off from mind,

it is hell, without lights or sound,

a torture without a name

coming back always seems like a task

and it feels like part of you

somehow stays

waking up will make you think of survival

I used to marvel at the first time stares

of witnesses too shaken, trying to decide

whether laughing or crying

would make me feel better,

they would always say get up

but they couldn’t feel the

invisible weight,

they’d ask the questions that they

thought made sense,

like my name, my location, the date,

sometimes, I couldn’t answer,

the headache after was always

a new kind of pain,

getting hit by something that

remains unseen,

there was always an arm that

wouldn’t lift properly for a while

as if still trapped in that

mental sling,

slow motion recollection

as short term memory loss

became long term reflection

and I always wondered

just how much of Death

had I seen

it’s been years now,

I don’t get so anxious anymore,

though a part of my mind

always thinks about the last,

and if it’s really over, or if another one

is lurking,

somewhere, where the thoughts

move too fast