Thursday, December 23, 2010
Theme Song of the Day, Dec. 23, 2010
Michael Jackson --- Keep Your Head Up
Recently got the King of Pop's posthumously released album, and I must say that MJ will ALWAYS remain in the top 3 entertainers of all time. This song reminded me that as we all start to focus on the holidays, there may be some (perhaps even all) of us, who might need a boost in spirit. Find the meaning of this season, and help someone else keep there head up.
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
Just a Little Mad, I Tell You (or Way To Fucking Go Facebook!!)
Not too long ago, something stupid made me a little mad.
But then, I laughed about it.
After beginning my day, surrounded by shit and vomit (see Just Another 6 a.m.), I just wanted to get out of the house for a little while. So I call up one of my cousins, and go hang at his house for a while. Surrounded by family I haven't seen in a long time, I enjoy myself. Good drinks, good food, and good company.
Fast forward to 4:30 a.m.
Back at home, passed out on the couch (lmao...let's just say that me and Hennessy aren't the friends we used to be), I woke up with a smile on my face. Decided to do what I constantly do: write a little bit and browse around online. Enter the Facebook status. Perhaps people who aren't writers neglect the magnitude of written word. To me equally as powerful as speech, but maybe a bit more so, simply because it survives a lot longer than what we say. This would be an interesting debate topic, because I can already hear both arguments in my head, but that's not what this post is about....so, I digress.
Not only are the words written, but it's Facebook, so also potentially shared with 500 million. Kind of makes it definitive.
Here is the Cliff Notes version of the back story:
I met a wonderful young woman.
We got along great.
Tried to have a relationship.
Found out it didn't work.
Wanted to be friends.
Still wanted to have sex.
(Pay attention. This is good advice. --- >) You don't have sex with your friends.
Became involved in this "friends/lovers/pseudo-relationship" thing.
She moved to another state.
We still kept in contact.
She wants more, I don't.
Enter stupid Facebook message.
I'm mad.
Then, I'm laughing.
Okay, as you can see, this version of the story probably wouldn't sell many copies. But the bottom line is this: Anything with quotes around it is implied. Which means that it is merely a suggestion. And unless you become 100% in your convictions, I suggest you move on.
When emotions are involved, people cling to the irrational. They hold onto things that they should immediately let go of. Because it seems to be my relationship trend, I believe I am the king of this. (This is certainly not a good crown. Like being the king of Antarctica, or something.) Yet in my all too recent past, I've held onto hearts, knowing in my mind that the chances of me loving that particular woman, on the same level, were less than 100%, but because there was an emotional attachment, coupled with physical attraction, I simply chose to squeeze tighter. For this, I judge myself, so cannot be concerned by other judgments.
You see, I realize the damage it does. It creates a bit of faith. As a minister's son, I can tell you first hand that a little bit of faith moves mountains. It makes people continue to wade through storms when it seems like no sunshine is in sight. It makes people endure battles that most wouldn't be able to withstand. And it makes men and women who love someone who doesn't equally love them back suffer through that shit with an inner conviction that maybe, just maybe it won't always be like this.
So, in my actions, by holding onto all the good things that I enjoyed about this young woman, I supplied that faith. For this reason, I am selfish and accept full blame. You'd think, on the eve of my 30th birthday, that I'd have learned something by now. I took one woman through emotional hell by never being able to tell her that I didn't really love her. I created an emotional dent, of unknown proportion, in my son's mother, by not being able to love her 100%, after 5 years. And now, there is this current young woman, who may not have been affected quite like the ones previous mentioned, but was still affected, in some way.
While I feel like her actions (posting implied accusatory status messages on Facebook about someone you're NOT even in a relationship with) were a bit silly, I understand why she felt they were warranted. I helped create that grey area full of faith that eventually we might be in one, by merely casting a few small doubts, all while continuing to enjoy the "relationshipesque" interaction between us. I should have clearly stated that because my feelings were not as strong as hers, that we should be platonic friends. But I did not. For this, I apologize.
It's strange, but it seems that far too much of my first 30 years have been spent saying I'm sorry to women who love me. Maybe this is just the burden of being a man, or perhaps it's a sign of needed realization that I have much more growth to strive for. I remember a brief, but candid, conversation with my cousin, Nikki, who also happens to have a Master's degree in Clinical Psychology (coincidence? I think not...lol). We were talking about commitment, and after one of my comments she replied: You're almost 30. You're a little bit too old for that.
Interestingly, I immediately agreed, but didn't realize how right she was....that is, until now.
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
But then, I laughed about it.
After beginning my day, surrounded by shit and vomit (see Just Another 6 a.m.), I just wanted to get out of the house for a little while. So I call up one of my cousins, and go hang at his house for a while. Surrounded by family I haven't seen in a long time, I enjoy myself. Good drinks, good food, and good company.
Fast forward to 4:30 a.m.
Back at home, passed out on the couch (lmao...let's just say that me and Hennessy aren't the friends we used to be), I woke up with a smile on my face. Decided to do what I constantly do: write a little bit and browse around online. Enter the Facebook status. Perhaps people who aren't writers neglect the magnitude of written word. To me equally as powerful as speech, but maybe a bit more so, simply because it survives a lot longer than what we say. This would be an interesting debate topic, because I can already hear both arguments in my head, but that's not what this post is about....so, I digress.
Not only are the words written, but it's Facebook, so also potentially shared with 500 million. Kind of makes it definitive.
Here is the Cliff Notes version of the back story:
I met a wonderful young woman.
We got along great.
Tried to have a relationship.
Found out it didn't work.
Wanted to be friends.
Still wanted to have sex.
(Pay attention. This is good advice. --- >) You don't have sex with your friends.
Became involved in this "friends/lovers/pseudo-relationship" thing.
She moved to another state.
We still kept in contact.
She wants more, I don't.
Enter stupid Facebook message.
I'm mad.
Then, I'm laughing.
Okay, as you can see, this version of the story probably wouldn't sell many copies. But the bottom line is this: Anything with quotes around it is implied. Which means that it is merely a suggestion. And unless you become 100% in your convictions, I suggest you move on.
When emotions are involved, people cling to the irrational. They hold onto things that they should immediately let go of. Because it seems to be my relationship trend, I believe I am the king of this. (This is certainly not a good crown. Like being the king of Antarctica, or something.) Yet in my all too recent past, I've held onto hearts, knowing in my mind that the chances of me loving that particular woman, on the same level, were less than 100%, but because there was an emotional attachment, coupled with physical attraction, I simply chose to squeeze tighter. For this, I judge myself, so cannot be concerned by other judgments.
You see, I realize the damage it does. It creates a bit of faith. As a minister's son, I can tell you first hand that a little bit of faith moves mountains. It makes people continue to wade through storms when it seems like no sunshine is in sight. It makes people endure battles that most wouldn't be able to withstand. And it makes men and women who love someone who doesn't equally love them back suffer through that shit with an inner conviction that maybe, just maybe it won't always be like this.
So, in my actions, by holding onto all the good things that I enjoyed about this young woman, I supplied that faith. For this reason, I am selfish and accept full blame. You'd think, on the eve of my 30th birthday, that I'd have learned something by now. I took one woman through emotional hell by never being able to tell her that I didn't really love her. I created an emotional dent, of unknown proportion, in my son's mother, by not being able to love her 100%, after 5 years. And now, there is this current young woman, who may not have been affected quite like the ones previous mentioned, but was still affected, in some way.
While I feel like her actions (posting implied accusatory status messages on Facebook about someone you're NOT even in a relationship with) were a bit silly, I understand why she felt they were warranted. I helped create that grey area full of faith that eventually we might be in one, by merely casting a few small doubts, all while continuing to enjoy the "relationshipesque" interaction between us. I should have clearly stated that because my feelings were not as strong as hers, that we should be platonic friends. But I did not. For this, I apologize.
It's strange, but it seems that far too much of my first 30 years have been spent saying I'm sorry to women who love me. Maybe this is just the burden of being a man, or perhaps it's a sign of needed realization that I have much more growth to strive for. I remember a brief, but candid, conversation with my cousin, Nikki, who also happens to have a Master's degree in Clinical Psychology (coincidence? I think not...lol). We were talking about commitment, and after one of my comments she replied: You're almost 30. You're a little bit too old for that.
Interestingly, I immediately agreed, but didn't realize how right she was....that is, until now.
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
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