In the age of social correctness (yes, political correctness is old school.....this is a whole different ballgame), the traditional ideas of all things have changed. This includes sex and relationships. Around ten years ago, open relationships were still looked at as way too kinky, the idea of a woman being a "cougar" was still several steps below being a dirty old man, and sex-only relationships were discussed as publicly as the idea of having a black President.
Fast forward into the future and here we are, in the midst of an age where sexual openness and progressiveness seem to be becoming the norm. These days a unique and varied sex life is like a smartphone. Seems like everybody's got one, and the folks who don't are always talking about having one real soon. Which brings me to an interesting conversation I was having with some friends. In this day and age, can a man and woman be friends AND lovers? It seems so simple. I mean when we talk about out potential mates, everyone of else would probably list strong friendship qualities as necessities. But the problem is that we're not talking relationship. And when friends become lovers, or lovers become friends, this is what it always starts to feel like. Which is great if that's what you're looking for. Then you can wake up some mornings, giggling with your BFF, who also happened to fuck a permanent smile onto your face the night before.
But for the people who want to draw the line, there comes a point when being friends or being lovers must take precedent. Is the friend part going to understand when you scream "just shut the hell up and screw me!!"? Is the lover part going to understand when you just want somebody to sit up and watch old episodes of "Good Times" with, and NOT try to feel you up while you're reaching for the remote? And more importantly, will you understand these things?
Personally, while I believe that a man and woman can be both friends and lovers if they have a similar mindset , I still think that some complications will arise that make the situation uncomfortable, impractical from a lover's standpoint, or impractical from a friend's standpoint. This is because, once sex is involved, things change. You know longer view each other the same. Your motivations change. The sex remains in the back of your mind, whether it is something you want to repeat, or just a one time thing. This alters a friendship. How many times in the past has this same friend done something nice for you, for absolutely no reason? Now they do something, and suddenly you're wondering if your goods are being requested. Old criticisms start to sting a bit differently, as you wonder "if I'm so bad, why the hell are you fucking me?" Or maybe this is all just me. But I have extensive experience on the subject. Some years ago, after being friends with benefits for four years, me and an ex tried to turn it into a relationship. Not surprisingly, this failed.
If love is not behind your motivations the be with a person (which it really should be..come on it's 2011, I'm just saying!), then it is critical to understand what is. If it's friendship, be friends. If it's sex, have sex. Just don't get confused. Relationships tend to be confusing enough. And whether we want to admit it or not, any situation, where you are giving a portion of yourself willingly, is a type of relationship.
Love better!
Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet
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