Just Now, It Finally Hit Me

I think I've been sitting at a mental crossroad for about 3 years now.  Since around this time in 2008, at around the same time I became unemployed.  In that time period, I've applied for numerous jobs, tried my hand at selling Kirby vacuum cleaners, written numerous interesting blog posts, started 2 unsuccessful relationships, watched my son grow into the wonderful 2 year old he is today, lost my aunt, my father, and my uncle, tried to grow as a person, been extremely optimistic, and wallowed close to the realms of the depressed.

What I haven't done, until now, is seriously look at where I want to go from here, and why.  Sure, I've scratched the surface.  I've come up with half-formulated plans that had few chances for fruition.  I've dreamed harder than ever before.  I've written some amazing poetry and began some novels I am proud to call my own.  I even finished one.  And then, I've also written some poems that immediately got tossed into the trash.  One novel I started was nothing more than a cheesy title and seven or eight words.  It too got scrapped.

At the end of December, I started school.  While it feels like such a slow process, I see the potential there.  I contemplated moving to Maryland, which I still have in my mind to do.  I've made some new friends and become reacquainted with some old ones.  I've move from day to day, night to night, moment to moment, uncertain of what the next might bright, but for the most part, unafraid to live it.

Late last night, I was standing on my front porch, smoking cigarette # 5, 423 (probably an exaggeration, but not by much, since I have been smoking for over 10 years), listening to raindrops hitting the ground as a few dogs howled in the distance, something came to me.

For the past three years, I've been living in a hurry.  So ready to get to somewhere, anyplace, anywhere but here, that it dawned on me.  I've never really asked myself where I want my life to go.  Or why.  It's kind of like trying to get to a destination, without naming it.  One of those exercises in futility.  Well I'm tired of that frustration.  I need some enlightenment.  I need to see clearer.  What do I want from my life?  And why?  3 years ago, I wasn't even sure I wanted to know.

But now I'm ready to delve into those questions.  So I can understand exactly what I want, and why I want it.  Because it is only then that I can start trying to figure out exactly how to get it.  And perhaps the greatest thing that I realized is that I don't need to figure this out by tomorrow.  I used to get really upset, because I had reached a certain age and my life wasn't in the spot where I felt like it should be.  Then, I'd look at other people who seemed miles ahead, and I'd feel worse.  But then I started asking myself little questions.  Why do I feel like this?  Is there some law that says I have to be where these people are in their lives at a certain point in mine?

The resounding 'no' made me stop worrying so much.  And let me tell you, it feels good to let some of the worry go.  Here's to being your own person, and finding your own answers for yourself.  I guess of course that means we have to learn which questions to ask.  Luckily, a few of mine finally hit me.

Marcus Jamison, the Rare Poet