30 for 30

It's really less than a week away.

In 5 days, I will be 30 years old, and my mind is really trying to soak in that fact. Three decades? Really, me?!? It seems like just a short while ago,I was a precocious toddler with big imagination, or a reserved teenager with aspirations that spanned the world. And then, suddenly I'm half way to 60.

Don't get me wrong. This is not one of those beginnings of a mid-life crisis type posts. I'm ecstatic that I'm turning 30 (okay, scratch that...but I am much happier than most). This is not a Jay-Z anthem, so 30 isn't the new anything, just simply the same old 30. Which means it naturally raises questions. It makes you think about the past, and wonder about the future. Unfulfilled dreams get extra thought time, as well as the idea of exploring new horizons. And then of course there are regrets. Interestingly enough, my birthday (Dec. 24...yes, Christmas eve) falls a week before what I like to call the Day of Regrets.

New Year's Eve is the one day when the majority of us cast all of our regrets aside, to party in outrageous fashion, merely because we know that starting the next day, we'll vocalize our regrets to no end.

This statement was merely a creative way for me to say that, since regrets are sure to be an interminable focal point later, I'll shy away from them in this post.  Basically, I'm focusing on the positives.

Thirty whole years, I'll soon to be blessed to have experienced.  That much time certainly comes with appreciation, so this is my list of 30 for 30, the thirty people/things/experiences/moments that have added up to a lifetime I wouldn't trade a thing for.  (Not necessarily in order of importance, just in the order that they jump in my mind...if it seems like backwards thinking, lol...my bad.)

30 for 30

1.  My family -  God only knows how many times I've leaned on you, depended on you, and been grateful for your presence.  This includes special friends who I place in this category, and you already know who you are.  By name, I must mention my mother Mary Jamison, my twin sister Lashana Shubert, and my son Solace Jamison.  Three who get extra special love.

2.  My friends -  Sometimes, family can get annoying, irritable, frustrating, and all that silly non-lasting stuff.  To those of you who've been there for me, when I had no place else to turn.  You are appreciated.

3.  Poetry - It seems like we ran into each other so long ago, but lately I keep finding new ways to appreciate you.  Here's to continuing the journey.

4.  The time, when I was 5 years old, and I cut myself and needed stitches -  I'm sure you're wondering why this is important.  But it was my first serious pain.  I'd like to believe it created a permanent reminder that I can survive.

5.  Love (you know, the Eros kind) - There's been a few faces, my heart's made a few traces, and yet I'm still trying to sketch you completely.  Love really is a many splendor thing, which is perhaps why the pursuit seems endless.

6.  Having a twin -  Okay, I really don't go into this enough, but if you're outside of this experience you can't possibly understand.  There's this connection that goes back to the womb.  The unexplainable ability to feed off my energy, to look me in the eye, and simply know.  A drawing force that neither time, distance, nor mood can diminish.  The ability to lessen a burden, simply by the weight of her presence.  I could go on and on....but I'll just say, this unique relationship is one that will never be altered.  Love you @ Lashana Shubert.  (The big 3-0 baby!!!...lol)

7.  A strong sense of self - In the immortal words of Terrell Owens....I love me some me!!!  And perhaps it has taken a full 30 years to understand that far too many people cannot say the same thing.  Have I always known I was a little different?  Of course.  Has it ever mattered?  Maybe at times, but never enough to make me want to change those fundamental things that make up me.  We all have some things about ourselves that we feel like changing would be an improvement.  These things, however, do not define me.

8.  Coca Cola - LMAO...this is me being silly, but it's undeniable that somewhere in the background of some of my most influential moments, sat a Coke waiting to be consumed.  Maybe my particular DNA combination and mental make-up, when added to the secret formula creates a beautiful chaos that simply must be experienced to be believed.  Either way, Coke tastes awesome.

9.  Learning that there are some things I can't do -  For a long time, I was hard on myself, for not being able to accomplish everything.  There was a list I once made out that I had to burn, simply because if I'm a lawyer, accepting the Pulitzer Prize, while studying for my Doctorate, in the back of the world renowned studio where I recently searched for cures to cancer, then how am I supposed to EVER appreciate the little moments?  I guess the reality is that I have always had huge aspirations.  Now it's just simply knowing what I can accomplish, and being happy with that.

10.  Appreciating the beauty of a good sunset -  Many people have seen me walking somewhere, back pack on, earphones in, and my eyes wandering across the sky or my surroundings, and they were probably forced to ask themselves "what the hell is he doing?"  I REALLY do like looking up at the clouds.  I am THAT guy, sitting up at night, watching constellations in the sky at 3 a.m.  And the sun setting is one of those quintessential moments that I always have made time for.  During these time, the reflective nature of my mind takes over....and often, so does my pen.

11.  All the so called "bad things" -  This is where I shout out my flaws.  Where I'm thankful for not graduating from Carolina in 2003.  Where I appreciate not having a job or a car.  Where I look back on the seizures with a different understanding.  You see, all of these things keep motivating me.  There are so many wonderful things I could have accomplished, but then maybe I'd be somebody else right now.  Maybe I wouldn't appreciate potential, second chances, or change as much.  I probably wouldn't be as humble as I am now.  And my mind wouldn't have been busy working out all the kinks.  These flaws, circumstances, problems, mishaps, or whatever, have all inadvertently highlighted my strengths.  I see me now, and I like what I see.  Here's to bigger and better things.

12.  Cocaine -  THIS IS JUST A JOKE.  I do not use cocaine.  My mind is a drug, in and of itself.

13.  Music - I can't emphasize enough.  Poetry may be the heartbeat of my soul, but music is the background rhythm reminding me that there's still a pulse.  One day, I'd love to capture the soundtrack to my life...what an awesome playlist that would be.

14.  My mother's prayers -  While I am a very spiritual person, and believe that I have an incredible amount of faith, there have been several moments when all of that seemed wasted on me and my fragile understanding.  This is when having a mother who prays for me may have benefited me more than I'll ever know.

15.  The first time I read Langston Hughes -  I believe I was around 8 years old.  For a school assignment, I chose to do some poetry.  I stumbled across a writer who I had heard much about, but had never personally experienced.  From that moment, the journey began.

16.  My mind - Even on those days where I find myself imagining that one day, long after I'm gone, they'll attempt to fracture my skull open, just to discover what drove all of this beautiful madness, I am forever indebted to what overshadowed me as the lucky recipient of my mental faculties.  I see the potential, recognize the limitations, and am dedicated to proving myself worthy of the gifts.

17.  Sex - Call it the Capricorn in me.  But I have always been driven by a fire that burns inside me.  Although it doesn't act itself out often, it makes me appreciate passion.  And plus, it was the act that created my son, so there is a bit of nostalgia...lol.

18.  Jeanette Martin - I'm not even sure that I spelled her name correctly.  She was my Accelerated English teacher in the 11th grade, and my AP English teacher in the 12th grade.  And while I was one of a handful of students (and that's being generous) who made a 5 on the AP English exam in her class, what I take from her was the challenge she gave me.  She demanded that I raise myself to a higher standard.  If I had listened to her back then, I might have been valedictorian.  But we learn from our mistakes.

19.  My stubbornness -  While this is certainly not always my best trait, it has made me refuse to get stuck believing that bad situations are permanent.  I am resilient because I am stubborn.  That little no-it-all goat constantly asking why (I'm a Capricorn, remember?).  This characteristic has kept me from slipping often.

20.  Having parents who did the best they could for me -  When you're young, growing up and merely wanting, you never truly understand your parents' sacrifice.  Even when you get your own children, it is only the beginning glimpse into all the things they had to endure.  I am thankful that my mother, Mary Kelly Jamison, and my father, Jacob Jamison (R.I.P.) did everything in their collective power to assure that I had a fighting chance.  It is a love that will forever go unpaid, but I'll spend a lifetime sending in checks.

21.  Carrboro, NC 2000 to 2001 - The best way to get over your first epic failure?  Move into a neighborhood full of eccentric souls, and dedicate the majority of your nights to trying to top the day before it.  Full of far too many grin-worthy moments for this to have been a coincidence.  It was exactly what I needed at the time.

22.  The last handful of conversations with my father - It's interesting how I'd walk from one side of town just to stop by and see him, and we'd talk for the longest time, about absolutely nothing.  Now that he's gone, all of that nothing means so much more.  He was preparing me for the future, but then again, he started doing that the day I was born.

23.  The beautiful, but terrifying adventure of being alive -  You've heard all the cliches.  Life is a rickety, roller-coaster ride with no breaks.  And the truth is, yes it can be hard.  However, since December 24, 1980 at 10:13 p.m., I've made my presence felt, screaming to the top of my lungs that, while the make and model might suck at times, I'm driving this vessel until the wheels fall off.  (Too many metaphors?  lol)

24.  The first time I went to the Nuyorican Poets Cafe - I kept asking myself in the back of my mind, "Do you know whose been on that stage?"....and every time since then, I keep tell myself, "One day soon, you'll simply smile, and say me."

25.  The moments I've cried - It's interesting, but tears are a calming agent for me.  I find that I cry during those instances when I would otherwise fall apart if I did not.  Usually not tears over physical pain, these are emotional sheddings, hopefully leaving behind that layer of things that burdened me in the first place.

26.  My 21st birthday -  Do you hate all of those stories that have no major details and leave the sense that you simply just had to be there to understand.  A few years back, I turned 21.  Guess what?  Lol.

27.  Not allowing bullies to ruin my life, as an adolescent - If you've been paying attention to the media lately, you realize that the whole teasing thing has taken drastic new life in this latest century.  Now it doesn't merely result in one too many nights of crying yourself to sleep, but instead suicide, and some parent or relative doing the crying for you.  I'm glad there was something within me that kept me strong in spite of the meanness of others.  I pray for those children stuck on the brink, who may be one more bad day away from writing a note that changes everything.

28.  My insomniac nature - Whether I suffer from insomnia or not has always been a matter of debate within my mind.  The fact that I can actually say that should scream yes (or perhaps something worse.)  But the truth is simple.  It was during some of these nights of not sleeping that my greatest thoughts, hardest but most necessary realizations, and most memorable moments occurred.  And imagine, I could have been sleeping....

29.  Poetry - Did I mention this one yet?  lol

30. ...... - This is for all of those extra moments, whose impacts seem trivial, and whose outcomes still have yet to be explored, but when summed together with all the big ones, both good and bad, add up to me.  The charismatic, poetic soul...four days from turning 30 years old.


And here is to the next 30.  And as many as I am fortunate enough to have.  I live each moment, thankful.

the Rare Poet